Being "right" is no fun if you are all alone
If you are the CEO or owner of a family business and are preparing for retirement or a succession transition, it is likely you are facing some very difficult decisions that will affect the lives of your family and business team. After working with family businesses across the country through the maze of succession planning issues for 25 years, I have witnessed truth in the adage that there is no business gain worth a family loss. There is only one way through addressing difficult issues and that is in a compassionate and yet straightforward manner, with a commitment to finding a win/win/win solution, not a win/lose scenario on anyone’s behalf.
What does it mean to achieve a win/win/win?
It means there are no losers. The outcome steps out of the box of “yours or mine” and encompasses a greater goal that addresses a holistic solution that will accomplish your goals without sacrificing family harmony or business success. Addressing emotional issues in a straightforward and safe manner is no easy task and requires a willingness for all parties to take a step back from their individual aspirations to achieve a bigger vision for the family first, and secondly, for the business.
Does this scenario sound familiar?
Key family members have been battling with each other for the last several years as to how to manage and share assets related to their family business, as well as who should assume the mantle of President. Issues have now escalated where legal action may be initiated. Is there any way they can avoid this and find a win/win/win solution?
Three steps required to achieve “safety.”
By safety, I mean an environment where people feel comfortable (or safe enough) to share their concerns and ideas without fear of recrimination, to identify potential win/win/win solutions:
Let’s take a moment for some introspection
You may have taken the time to look into the mirror, dropped the blame game and have earnestly begun trying to build a plan. But emotional issues seem to keep undermining your progress. How can you achieve the win/win/win when your family continues to be at war with each other?
As the owner of a family enterprise, you may be standing at the precipice of compromise – a hair’s breadth away from implementing a succession solution. But what is compromise? In a compromise, there are no winners. None. Every single person feels they are giving up elements of what they feel they deserve. Sometimes one person may get something another one wants, which also breeds jealousy, resentment, and suspicion. No one’s very happy. There is no win/win/win or even a win/lose occurring. This is a lose/lose/lose situation.
You may feel exhausted and ready to put the entire struggle behind you, feeling some consolation that at least you didn’t give up and have a plan in the compromise, even if it is not very satisfying. And then, a very sad but typical thing occurs after everyone leaves the meeting and returns to their own corners, nagging insecurities, fears, and sabotaging thoughts creep back into the family dynamic and SNAP! Everyone reverts to their habitual acrimonious, dysfunctional, or even hostile behaviors. Once they all have had a chance to reflect on how unfair this compromise is compared to what they feel they “deserve,” and talk to their spouse and friends who are quick to give their good advice, family members revert to their original grievances, and you are back to square one. Not uncommonly, this could be the second, third or fourth time you have reached this impasse. What happened? What do you do to get out of this endless cycle?
Pointing fingers will not work (see #1 above). Reflect upon how you might have contributed to this situation (see #2 above). Each time you pulled the family team together did you listen to all ideas and considerations, or did you announce your plan to a somber and silent audience (see #3)?
How could you have reached an agreement yesterday and still be at opposite sides of the ring today?
If you have found yourself at the crossroads of frustration, despite the many meetings to negotiate differences between family members and/or partners, you may be asking yourself this very question. It is my experience that if every time you are close to reaching a settlement between opposing family members, only to have those agreements disintegrate time and time again, there were too many conditions put upon acceptance. Remember: A family is all about unconditional love. A business is all about accountability and performance.
Ask yourself: What is my family relationship worth to me? Is it more important than being “right”? What is right for my family? What is right for the business? Do they have to stay intertwined, or can they co-exist harmoniously if separated?
Being right is no fun if you are all alone.
If it sounds a little like what you and your family are going through, it’s not too late to step back and rethink the postures of your discussions. An experienced Succession Coach can coach and guide your family through this type of reflective discussion to help you have a non-litigious, objective and even upbeat outcome. If each family member can get very clear on what they would like to express, feel, and hear, without conditions and accusations attached, there just might be a way to bridge the gap privately, rather than in the public venue of the court system. It’s not usually about the “stuff” that is causing the upset. It is usually about the familial relationships, respect, trust, transparency, and forgiveness. You will have to get out of your comfort zone, and it will take a great amount of courage, faith, and willingness to take a chance on each other.
Defy the odds and the naysayers. Take the first step and ask for help. As the great philosopher Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wrote so long ago,
“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
What does it mean to achieve a win/win/win?
It means there are no losers. The outcome steps out of the box of “yours or mine” and encompasses a greater goal that addresses a holistic solution that will accomplish your goals without sacrificing family harmony or business success. Addressing emotional issues in a straightforward and safe manner is no easy task and requires a willingness for all parties to take a step back from their individual aspirations to achieve a bigger vision for the family first, and secondly, for the business.
Does this scenario sound familiar?
Key family members have been battling with each other for the last several years as to how to manage and share assets related to their family business, as well as who should assume the mantle of President. Issues have now escalated where legal action may be initiated. Is there any way they can avoid this and find a win/win/win solution?
Three steps required to achieve “safety.”
By safety, I mean an environment where people feel comfortable (or safe enough) to share their concerns and ideas without fear of recrimination, to identify potential win/win/win solutions:
- Take an honest look in the mirror. It doesn’t help if you skew the reflection with what you want, hope, or feel you deserve to believe. An apple is an apple, nothing more, nothing less. No matter how much you want to make it be a tangerine, it will never live up to your expectations of being so. It’s just an apple. So it is with our experiences – if you can remove the emotional baggage as you look at your situation objectively, it is far easier to understand the key issues.
- Take responsibility for your actions. No matter how much you may want to blame others, there is absolutely nothing gained by doing so because it does not call for personal action. Stop pointing at each other and everything else and ask yourself, “Is what I am about to say going to create a positive outcome? What can I do differently at this very moment to contribute towards a more holistic solution for all?”
- Begin to build a solution together by utilizing a skilled Succession Coach or Advisor to develop an action plan. You can’t build a house on a foundation of muck with substandard materials and expect it to stand up for any length of time, much less hold up to the challenges of changes in the climate. Once you have put aside the personal agendas, are self-managing emotions and elevate your perspective the 30,000-foot view of perpetuating your business into the next generation, it can become a creative and even energizing process for your family, key managers, and succession advisors.
Let’s take a moment for some introspection
You may have taken the time to look into the mirror, dropped the blame game and have earnestly begun trying to build a plan. But emotional issues seem to keep undermining your progress. How can you achieve the win/win/win when your family continues to be at war with each other?
As the owner of a family enterprise, you may be standing at the precipice of compromise – a hair’s breadth away from implementing a succession solution. But what is compromise? In a compromise, there are no winners. None. Every single person feels they are giving up elements of what they feel they deserve. Sometimes one person may get something another one wants, which also breeds jealousy, resentment, and suspicion. No one’s very happy. There is no win/win/win or even a win/lose occurring. This is a lose/lose/lose situation.
You may feel exhausted and ready to put the entire struggle behind you, feeling some consolation that at least you didn’t give up and have a plan in the compromise, even if it is not very satisfying. And then, a very sad but typical thing occurs after everyone leaves the meeting and returns to their own corners, nagging insecurities, fears, and sabotaging thoughts creep back into the family dynamic and SNAP! Everyone reverts to their habitual acrimonious, dysfunctional, or even hostile behaviors. Once they all have had a chance to reflect on how unfair this compromise is compared to what they feel they “deserve,” and talk to their spouse and friends who are quick to give their good advice, family members revert to their original grievances, and you are back to square one. Not uncommonly, this could be the second, third or fourth time you have reached this impasse. What happened? What do you do to get out of this endless cycle?
Pointing fingers will not work (see #1 above). Reflect upon how you might have contributed to this situation (see #2 above). Each time you pulled the family team together did you listen to all ideas and considerations, or did you announce your plan to a somber and silent audience (see #3)?
How could you have reached an agreement yesterday and still be at opposite sides of the ring today?
If you have found yourself at the crossroads of frustration, despite the many meetings to negotiate differences between family members and/or partners, you may be asking yourself this very question. It is my experience that if every time you are close to reaching a settlement between opposing family members, only to have those agreements disintegrate time and time again, there were too many conditions put upon acceptance. Remember: A family is all about unconditional love. A business is all about accountability and performance.
Ask yourself: What is my family relationship worth to me? Is it more important than being “right”? What is right for my family? What is right for the business? Do they have to stay intertwined, or can they co-exist harmoniously if separated?
Being right is no fun if you are all alone.
If it sounds a little like what you and your family are going through, it’s not too late to step back and rethink the postures of your discussions. An experienced Succession Coach can coach and guide your family through this type of reflective discussion to help you have a non-litigious, objective and even upbeat outcome. If each family member can get very clear on what they would like to express, feel, and hear, without conditions and accusations attached, there just might be a way to bridge the gap privately, rather than in the public venue of the court system. It’s not usually about the “stuff” that is causing the upset. It is usually about the familial relationships, respect, trust, transparency, and forgiveness. You will have to get out of your comfort zone, and it will take a great amount of courage, faith, and willingness to take a chance on each other.
Defy the odds and the naysayers. Take the first step and ask for help. As the great philosopher Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wrote so long ago,
“The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”